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hiker1
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PostThu Jan 17, 2013 2:59 pm 
A soul is accompanied all around Hell to choose among different options. To his great surprise he can choose among a sport section, a vacation section, a gourmet section .... At the end of the tour he is delighted by the opportunities, but sees a horrible door behind which he can see the bolges with damned souls. So he asks his accompanying devil: - What is that? - It is the Catholic's hell. They like it that way! --------------- FYI bolge

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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Malachai Constant
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PostThu Jan 17, 2013 5:53 pm 
Lennay Kekua wink.gif

"You do not laugh when you look at the mountains, or when you look at the sea." Lafcadio Hearn
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hiker1
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PostSun Jan 27, 2013 7:03 pm 

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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hiker1
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PostThu Apr 04, 2013 1:36 pm 
A FROG GOES INTO A BANK A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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coldrain108
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PostFri Apr 19, 2013 11:16 am 
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. ... .... Wait for it .... ...... It's coming ..... ...... The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She said .... ........: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Since I have no expectations of forgiveness, I don't do it in the first place. That loop hole needs to be closed to everyone.
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hiker1
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PostSat Apr 20, 2013 11:13 pm 
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office,the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.”

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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hiker1
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PostSun Apr 21, 2013 4:31 pm 

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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mgd
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PostTue May 07, 2013 10:24 pm 
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still. drink.gif

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PostMon Jul 08, 2013 11:24 pm 
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please!" lol.gif

Touron is a nougat of Arabic origin made with almonds and honey or sugar, without which it would just not be Christmas in Spain.
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PostFri Jul 12, 2013 7:07 pm 
Subject: Creation! In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food Cake." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System. Amen

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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Conrad
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PostSat Jul 13, 2013 12:08 pm 
lol.gif

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touron
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PostSat Jul 13, 2013 12:53 pm 
There was a hiker named Bradley who loved to hike, but rarely had time to go hiking due to yardwork, chores and the other duties of life. One day Bradley picked up a robot while shopping at Walmart and brought it home. "Now the robot will do all the chores, and I will go hiking," said Bradley. So he switched the robot on and gave it a list of chores: -wash and dry dishes -do laundry -cut grass and trim shrubs -vacuum house -clean windows then he stood back to observe the robot's work. But the robot did nothing. So this time, Bradley rewrote the list using his best penmanship, once again handed it to the robot, and then stood back to judge the caliber of the robot's work. But once again, the robot did nothing, and in fact this time the robot sat down and put its feet up on the ottoman to watch an episode of the Brady Bunch, which happened to be showing on the tv. Bradley was furious and shouted at the robot, and cried "You are a lazy, good for nothing, robot and not worth a penny I wasted on you!" but to no avail. Finally, Bradley was brought to his senses. He had observed the shiftless robot for two hours with no visible work output, and in those two hours he could already have been at Snow Lake, or at the base of the Haystack, or four miles up the South Cascade Lake trail. So he grabbed his hiking gear, threw it in his Ford Tacoma, and sped off to the mountains. After a full day of glorious hiking, photography, and pure relaxation, he returned to the trailhead and got in his truck. As he neared home, however, his spirits sank slightly, knowing he now had much work to do. However, as he pulled into his driveway, he was stunned. The lawn was mowed, the shrubs were trimmed, and the windows were sparkling. And as he entered the house, he was astounded. The house was vacuumed, the dishes were done and put away. And the laundry was washed and neatly folded. Wow! And there was the robot sitting in front of the tv, eating a some Blue Diamond almonds, sipping an MGD, and watching Hawaii 5-0. Bradley looked at the scene increduously, and then turning to the robot said, "I observed you for two hours this morning, and you didn't do a single solitary bit of work, and now I arrive home this evening and the whole list of chores is completed and you are now watching Hawaii 5-0. I don't understand!" The robot replied, "It is a well known and time proven truism that a watched bot never toils."

Touron is a nougat of Arabic origin made with almonds and honey or sugar, without which it would just not be Christmas in Spain.
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hiker1
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PostWed Aug 21, 2013 2:48 pm 
A Canadian Joke A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not? The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his smartphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government," says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly ~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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Bedivere
Why Do Witches Burn?



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PostWed Aug 21, 2013 2:54 pm 
Have you ever heard of the round knight? He's known as Sir Cumference. No? Well then, have you heard about the newlywed guy with the foot fetish? He got caught cheating but his new bride forgave him - after all, he just got off on the wrong foot.

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lookout bob
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PostThu Aug 22, 2013 6:15 am 
shakehead.gif

"Altitude is its own reward" John Jerome ( from "On Mountains")
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