[Slugman]

How did the electrician lose power in his own home? He got married. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer. Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies. What did the apple say to the banana? Nothing -- apples don't talk!

[Justan]

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket seller asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes." "I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket seller. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it, " said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all." "I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

[GlacierGlider]

How many blonds does it take to plug in a light bulb? ..... ..... ..... none, you screw in a light bulb, duh!

[Conrad]

Maybe you screw in a light bulb; I prefer in bed.

[Conrad]

[touron]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!!!

[Conrad]

A couple from tonight's viewing of A Prairie Home Companion DVD: --- A truckload of Viagra has been stolen. Police don't know who did it but are looking for hardened criminals. --- Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was taken. --- First God created woman, with 3 breasts. But woman didn't need 3 breasts so God removed the middle one. Then God said "what can I do with this useless boob?" So She created man.

[GlacierGlider]

3 women are visited by a genie... and given 1 wish each..... the first one wishes for money and power.... poof-she's the queen of england.... the second one wishes for glamour money and power.... poof-she is Marilynn Monroe... the third wishes to be beter than those two combined.... poof- she bocomes a man....

[touron]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arm!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[touron]

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a bowl of jello A: Read the directions on the back of the box!

[liembo]

Q: What does the average [Husky|Coug] get on their SAT? A: Drool.

[Mtn Dog]

An engineer is out for a walk one day and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he approaches he hears the frog speak, "Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess!" So he picks up the frog, smiles at it, and puts it in his pocket. A few minutes later the frog starts speaking again, "Kiss me. I'll turn into a beautiful princess and stay with you for an entire week!" The engineer looks at the frog admirably and then puts it back in his pocket. Then the frog says, "Kiss me. I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a whole week, and I'll do anything you want!" A third time the engineer looks at the frog, smiles, and puts it back into his pocket. Finally the frog starts to get frustrated. "Look, I promised to become a beautiful princess, stay with you, and do whatever you like. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer responds, "Oh, I don't have time for a girlfriend - but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[strider]

Did you hear the one about the skeleton that walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop?

[Jeepasaurusrex]

Two Silk Worms had a race, it ended in a tie.

[Skinem]

Where do you keep your spare belly buttons? In the naval reserve. (Ugh...that was even painful to type!)