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Bedivere
Why Do Witches Burn?



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Why Do Witches Burn?
PostWed Aug 21, 2013 1:54 pm 
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Have you ever heard of the round knight?

He's known as Sir Cumference.


No?  Well then, have you heard about the newlywed guy with the foot fetish?

He got caught cheating but his new bride forgave him - after all, he just got off on the wrong foot.

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lookout bob
WTA proponent.....



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WTA proponent.....
PostThu Aug 22, 2013 5:15 am 
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shakehead.gif

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"Altitude is its own reward"
John Jerome ( from "On Mountains")
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Bedivere
Why Do Witches Burn?



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Why Do Witches Burn?
PostThu Aug 22, 2013 10:37 am 
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lookout bob wrote:
shakehead.gif

Well, it *is* the *bad* joke thread.   biggrin.gif

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hiker1
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PostTue Apr 08, 2014 10:40 am 
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh!t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

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falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly
~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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wolffie
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PostTue Apr 08, 2014 11:38 am 
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Pig joke
Salesman visits a farmer.  "He's back in the orchard, feeding the pig," says the farmer's wife.  He finds the farmer holding a small-to-medium-sized pig in his arms, hoisting it awkwardly from one apple to another, as the pig picks apples off the tree one-by-one with its teeth, munching leisurely.
The salesman watches this spectacle in silence.  "'Scuze me," he finally begins, "don't mind my sayin' so, but that thar is the durnedest way of feedin' a pig I ever did see.  I'd 'spect it'd be a big waste of time feedin' a pig that way."
The farmer pauses, his face a mask of bewildered incomprehesnion.  "Time?  Time?" he eventually rejoins, "what's time to a pig?"

To sneak your corgi into a bar, wear sunglasses and your best Ray Charles smile and claim it's your seeing-eye dog.   When the bartender skeptically objects, "That corgi is your seeing-eye dog?" you reply, "They gave me a corgi?"

My keyboard taunts me with the two two things I can never have:  Control and Escape.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
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Ski
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PostTue Apr 08, 2014 3:38 pm 
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one from the old man:

An old Commie was sitting in the kitchen one afternoon reading his daily Pravda. His wife comes in and says "Rudy, it's raining outside."
"No" he corrected her. "It's not raining."
"I'm telling you- it's raining out!" She insisted.
He looked up from his paper and said "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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"I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. 
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."
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Ski
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PostTue Apr 08, 2014 3:47 pm 
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from my mom:

Two English gentlemen who were brothers were on a train, riding in a private compartment. One of the brothers was quite hard of hearing.

The door slid open, and in stepped an obviously well-to-do gentleman, bedecked in splendid attire.
He struck up a conversation with the brother who could hear, and the subject of their various travels came up.
"Have you ever been to England before?" the brother who could hear asked.
"Oh yes," the gentleman replied. "I've been all over the world, and England is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been."

The brother with the hearing problem looked up from his newspaper, and in a thick accent piped "Wha'd he say? Wha'd he say?"
"He said he's been to England." his brother responded.
"Oh." and he went back to his paper.

The brother who could hear then asked "While you were in England, did you ever have a chance to visit Brighton?"
"Oh yes" the gentleman replied. "Lovely place. Beautiful beaches. Lovely climate."
The other brother looked up from his paper and piped up again "Wha'd he say? Wha'd he say?"
"He said he's been to Brighton" his brother replied.
"Oh." and he went back to his paper.

The brother who could hear then asked "While you were in Brighton, did you by any chance have the opportunity to meet the Lady Jane?"
"Ahhh... the Lady Jane" the gentleman leered. "Best piece of tail I ever had."
"Wha'd he say? Wha'd he say?" the other brother piped.
"He said he knows mother."

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"I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. 
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."
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Backpacker Joe
NWH Joe-Bob



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NWH Joe-Bob
PostTue Apr 08, 2014 4:13 pm 
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Why was 6 scared?

Because 7 8 9!

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"If destruction be our lot we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen we must live through all time or die by suicide."

Abraham Lincoln
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Blowdown
Clearing Trails



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Clearing Trails
PostFri Apr 11, 2014 8:50 am 
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What's red and smells like blue paint?



Red paint!

dizzy.gif
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wolffie
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PostFri Apr 11, 2014 9:13 am 
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The Leader
When They were deciding which body part should be the leader of the body, the brain asserted its claim because it's the seat of alleged intelligence, the heart pointed out that everything dies suddenly if it quits, the muscles noted that they do all the work, the skeleton observed that everything rests upon it, etc. etc., and everybody tittered condescendingly when the lowly anus suggested that it should be the leader of the body.
So the anus shut up.  Four days later, everyone agreed that it could be the leader of the body.
You don't need to be a brain to be a leader.  Any a$$hole can do the job.
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Hiking_Husky
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PostFri Apr 11, 2014 2:07 pm 
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There are two fish in a tank...one turns to the other and says "you man the guns, I'll drive!"
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Sore Feet
Random Quippy Bit



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Random Quippy Bit
PostFri Apr 11, 2014 5:22 pm 
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Hiking_Husky wrote:
There are two fish in a tank...one turns to the other and says "you man the guns, I'll drive!"

The other fish turns as says "HOLY SH!T A TALKING FISH!"

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Bryan Swan
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Waterfalls - www.waterfallsnorthwest.com
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touron
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PostFri Apr 11, 2014 7:52 pm 
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Q: What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

A: BYE-SON!


Q: What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?

A: Shoe!


Q: Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

A: Because it's a little meteor.

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Touron is a nougat of Arabic origin made with almonds and honey or sugar, without which it would just not be Christmas in Spain.
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Ski
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PostFri Apr 11, 2014 10:41 pm 
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A man was hiking down the beach just south of Cape Alava one afternoon and stubbed his toe on something.
He looked down and saw a shiny object party buried in the sand, bent down and dug with his hands and saw that it was an old oil lamp that had washed ashore.
He pulled his bandana from his head to wipe the sand from it, and immediately in a cloud of smoke a genie appeared.
"Your wish is my command," said the genie in a low voice.
The man was ecstatic. "I've found the magic lamp! Now I get my three wishes!"
"No no no," the genie replied. "You've got me mixed up with somebody else. I can only grant you one wish. Choose carefully."
The man sat down on a rock and thought about it at length.
At last he said to the genie "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying on airplanes. I want you to make me a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"No no no," the genie replied. "That's too hard. You've got to wish for something else. Money, women, fame and fortune are all within my power to grant, but a bridge to Hawaii is beyond my capacity."
After a long pause and careful thought the man said "Well, I've always wanted to be able to understand women."
To which the genie replied "Would you like one lane, or two?"

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"I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. 
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."
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wolffie
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PostTue Apr 15, 2014 1:25 pm 
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In a Furry Freak Brothers episode, Gilbert Shelton's adorable bad boy, Fat Freddy's Cat, finds a magic lamp, and doesn't miss a beat on his 3 wishes:
"I want a case of tuna fush, that cute tabby who lives behind the garbage cans down the street, and I'll save the 3rd wish for my owner (what a disgusting concept).  I know just what he'll say."
In the last frame, Cat presents the lamp to Freddy, who exclaims,  "A gift?  For me!?  Why, I'll be dipped in dogshit."


And how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?     Two.
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