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sledndog
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PostFri Apr 18, 2014 5:52 pm 
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Two planes flying in a snow storm. How do you tell which one has the morons for pilots?
The one with chains on the propellers.
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Ski
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PostSun Apr 20, 2014 9:11 pm 
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:

"I am so sorry, Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, more than you.  I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.  I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again".

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few minutes later, a second text came in: "Damned auto correct.  I meant 'wifi', not 'wife' ".

--------------
"I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. 
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."
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hiker1
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PostSat May 03, 2014 10:27 pm 
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Subject: Noah & The Government

Lighter side of end times

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
Somerset and said:
"Once again, the earth has become evil and I see the end of all flesh
before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You
have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain
for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?" " Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood By-Laws by building the Ark in my back garden and
exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Local Planning
Committee for a decision."


"Then the Local Council and the Electric Company demanded a boat load
of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to
convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls
- but no go!"


"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who
want to work."

"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with ark-building experience."


"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my
assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species."


"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
"The Government beat me to it."

--------------
falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly
~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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hiker1
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PostWed Jun 18, 2014 1:48 pm 
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Irish Golfer


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his

drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,

a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball

beside him.


Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from

the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him.


'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.


'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.


'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'


'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer

answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,

I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'


And the golfer walks off.


'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.


I have to do something for him. I'll give him

the three things I would want... a great golf game,

all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'


A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into

the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.


'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,

' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,

how's yer golf game?'


'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.

I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're

all right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer

golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money

situation?'


'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.

'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket

and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'


'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'


The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,

and says shyly, 'It's OK.'


C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,

'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job

How many times a week?'


Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

'Once, sometimes twice a week.'


'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.

'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish'.

--------------
falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly
~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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SierraMist
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PostTue Jul 01, 2014 11:03 pm 
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Do you know why you can't trust an atom?

Because they make up EVERYTHING!
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touron
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PostThu Jul 31, 2014 8:29 pm 
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A Scotsman who plays in a bagpipe marching band.

One Saturday the band plays all afternoon, marching up and down the high street.

At the end of the afternoon he retires to the pub for a refreshing drink. Half way through he leaps to his feet and exclaims: "Oh no -- I left my bagpipes on the back seat of my car where anyone can see them!"

He runs out to his car, but it's too late...

...even though he locked the doors, someone has broken into the car and dumped a load more bagpipes in there.

--------------
Touron is a nougat of Arabic origin made with almonds and honey or sugar, without which it would just not be Christmas in Spain.
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Ski
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PostThu Jul 31, 2014 9:36 pm 
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Back on January 9th, a group of Peking , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.   
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby..... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"   

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"   

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump,          Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"   

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that...

And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.   

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"   

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

--------------
"I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. 
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."
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hiker1
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PostFri Sep 19, 2014 9:51 pm 
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Negative people

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really!  What'd he say?" 

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

--------------
falling leaves / hide the path / so quietly
~John Bailey, "Autumn," a haiku year, 2001, as posted on oldgreypoet.com
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hiker1
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PostSat Sep 27, 2014 10:32 pm 
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No pun intended 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know, I amputated your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.


21. And finally there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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touron
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PostMon Oct 06, 2014 10:52 pm 
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Where was Solomon’s temple located?

On the side of his head.

--------------
Touron is a nougat of Arabic origin made with almonds and honey or sugar, without which it would just not be Christmas in Spain.
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Blowdown
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PostTue Oct 07, 2014 11:56 am 
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Quote:
"A beer please and one for the road."

lol.gif   rotf.gif
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sams rapids
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PostThu Nov 13, 2014 10:26 pm 
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I went into a 7-11 this morning.   There was a bear standing there talking with the cashier.

I wasn't there long until the cashier became bored with the conversation.

She said to the bear, "What is it you want?"

The bear said he wanted a can of coke











and a milky way.

Cashier said "okay, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear looked at his front feet and said  "I was born with them."
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coldrain108
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PostFri Nov 14, 2014 1:38 pm 
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comedian Metro driver the other day while driving over a particularly bumpy stretch of road:

"Sorry about the bumpy ride.

But its not the governors fault, its not the mayors fault and its not my fault...

its the asphalt"

--------------
"The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch and do nothing"  - Albert Einstein
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touron
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PostThu May 21, 2015 9:09 pm 
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Q: Why do bicycles fall over?

A: Because they are two tired! lol.gif  rotf.gif

--------------
Touron is a nougat of Arabic origin made with almonds and honey or sugar, without which it would just not be Christmas in Spain.
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jinx'sboy
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PostThu May 21, 2015 10:24 pm 
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I received a gift of a set of nesting Russian dolls.
But I don't like them - they're sooo full of themselves....
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