[The Angry Hiker]

I was going to skip Mailbox this year, but the other I-90 peaks are still loaded with snow and likely hordes of gaitered girly-men too terrified of scraping their knees to hike up a little bit of dry scree. So it was either Mailbox or back to the dumpsters. The trailhead boasted some new improvements.

I didn't think they could possibly make this trail more idiot proof. I was wrong.

I wonder how many thousands of dollars they blew on the little red stickers. If people aren't paying attention to the reflectors, they're not going to see the red dots, are they? Oh well. I guess it's asking too much for DNR to think something like this through when they don't even bother to spell-check their stupid signs. About a half a mile up the trail, I turned around just in time to see a big brown animal bounding through the woods about 15 yards away. My first thought was "Some jackass let their %$%&@ mastiff off the leash!" Then it hit me that it was a BEAR, and a BIG ONE. It paused for moment to sniff the air before running off down the mountain, hopefully to maul a trail jogger or eat a poodle. That was the first bear I've ever seen in the wild, so I was too busy loading up my shorts to get any decent photos. Hopefully, this will suffice:

Artists Rendition

Yes, I took a few artistic liberties - the bear was nowhere near the mailbox, for instance - but I think it accurately conveys the overall mood of the scene. There was no snow on the trail until just before the scree field, and then it was just a small strip that you can easily go around.

Beginning of the snow

Winter Route

The majority of the winter route was clear and dry, but everybody was plodding their way up the last patch of lingering snow. I chose the scree, and made it up in half the time. If you're too much of a weenie to do a little bit of scrambling, then you should just hike in the winter with the rest of the girly-men, folks.

final push to the summit

Just before the final push to the summit, I came across a pair of crampons lying in the grass. Since the snow had the consistency of Grandma's mashed potatoes, I doubted anyone had used them recently. They must've been left there when the snow was deeper and more consolidated. Or maybe someone stopped to take a rest and accidentally dropped them. At any rate, being the nice guy that I am, I figured I'd pick them up and ask every blithering idiot coming down the trail if they had lost a pair of crampons. The first guy I talked to told me that the crampons indeed belonged to a lady coming down the trail just behind him. Boy, she's going to be happy to see these! I thought. But to my surprise, she looked at me as if I had just crawled out of Manuel Noriega's rectum. "You picked them up?" she screeched. "WHY?" I explained that I thought perhaps someone had accidentally dropped them, and being the nice guy that I am -- "NO, NO, NO!" she hissed, snatching the crampons from my hand with her gnarled rat claws. "If you find something on the trail, you don't pick it up! RULES OF THE ROAD!!!" Rules of the road? The "Rules of the Road" are you don't strew your gear all over the %$#@#$ mountain! Oh, and by the WAY, YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!'

Artist's rendition

Yes, I took a few artistic liberties - and I don't think I quite captured her unhingeable jaw - but I believe it accurately conveys the overall mood of the scene. Rules of the Road! I was so steamed that I can't remember hiking the rest of the way to the summit. I just dropped my pack and lay spread eagle on the snow, trying to get my blood pressure down before I had a brain embolism or something. It wasn't easy, as people kept poking me with their trekking poles and asking if I'd take a photo of them "with Mt. Rainier in the background". Who do I look like? Ansel Freakin' Adams? GET A TRIPOD, YA BUM!

Mailbox Paparazzi

Mailbox Paparazzi

I hope the glare doesn't wash out the photo

What's the point of these stupid snapshots anyway? I'd hate to break the bad news to you folks, but you can see Mt. Rainier from the parking lot of ACME Bowl in Tukwila. The only thing your "Mt. Rainier in the background" summit shots prove is that you're within a 100 mile radius of Mt. Rainier - and trust me, your Facebook friends don't give a #$@%!

Pilchuck from Mailbox

West Mail Box

Zorro and Russian Butte

Zorro Peak and Meth Lab

I-90

I tried to get my mind off of both the Rules of the Road episode and the blubbering shutterbugs by picking up some of the garbage around the mailbox - legos, tennis balls, bottle caps, and a few handwritten notes of a private, personal nature that shouldn't be shared in a public forum. Here you go:

Dear Junior: Bite Me. Mom.

*Barf*

OOOPS, there I go, breaking the "rules of the road" again! Guess I should've just left the garbage lying on the ground.

Glorified Trash Can

Immortalized on a garbage can

Garbage

The Mailbox

Mailbox summit

Mailbox summit

After a half an hour or so of taking pictures of the same patch of dirty snow with a mailbox sticking out of it, I spotted the distinctive pointy head of one of my climbing students coming up the trail:

Oh crap, it's Helmet Cam Boy.

Yes, he's wearing a helmet cam, and yes, he recorded the entire hike from trailhead to summit. I've seen the video, and hiking Mailbox Peak is even more frustrating through someone else's eyes. It's like watching someone else playing a very bad video game. I kept wanting to grab the joystick from him and go steal a car. But I did manage to isolate a frame of 'Guess Who" sitting at the top of the snow patch:

Rules of the Road puts on her crampons for the treacherous descent

E.P. and I hung out on the summit for about an hour and discussed a wide variety of subjects, ranging from the "Rules of the Road" to "what kind of an idiot wears crampons up here in the first place and then leaves them on the trail?" By the time we got to the subject of why fat chicks shouldn't wear tank tops, the summit of Mailbox Peak was starting to look like the summit of Mount Si on a sunny summer Saturday. I could only imagine what the summit of Mount Si looked like.

Holy crap

Summit madhouse

Nothing like a can of warm cat piss on a hot summer day

So we packed up our gear, making sure to leave E.P.'s crushed beer cans as per The Rules of the Road, and headed back down the trail.

No slowin' down with the silver bullet tonight!

Rules of the road...just leave it!

So did I!

Teneriffe

the final stretch

To cap off the day, there was a special surprise waiting for me in the parking lot.

Thanks a lot, %$@%$!

[Go Jo]

No words. Just lazy emoticons.

[veronika]

Nice! I still have no desire to do this hike.

[Mike Collins]

Too bad the bear ran off. You might have had a better time if you hung out with him for the afternoon.

[BirdDog]

[Allison]

I think from here forward, the AH should be required to put at least one "artist's rendition" in every TR he writes.

[Schmidt Alti-Babe]

A welcome laugh to my day. Your reports never disappoint! A hearty

[Magellan]

You have had a lot of good trip reports but this is hands down the best one so far. x5. I would have given you x10, but you bagged on my friend.

[seawallrunner]

[Conrad]

[oldwhiner]

[kite]

t-shirt material!

[seawallrunner]

[RichP]

Now that's a trip report!

[Schmidt Alti-Babe]