[hiker1]

Couldn't find a thread for music jokes, so maybe this may start one. Of course the joke I'm quoting below requires some musical knowledge, but any kind of joke about music in some way is welcome (except ones with bad language). Not another bar joke C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second." A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3- piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

[touron]

As a humor attempt it is a good triad it so on an ascending scale of one to seven I would give it a 7. Others, more composed than I, may harp about how it strings one along a ledger with puns until you fall off a clef. Bass jumping they call it now, but if you don't have parachute you're in treble after a short measure. Eternal rest they call it.

[hiker1]

At least one NWHiker got the joke, and was generous enough to add his original "joke format" reply, yay! There's a very long list of instrument jokes, some so bad that they should not be repeated here, or anywhere else. But I offer an organ joke, one of the better as well as repeatable ones. Should be fairly obvious where the pun is, although some knowledge of the organ--the musical instrument--is required. Q. Why did Johann Sebastian Bach have so many children? A. Because he had no stops on his organ.

[treeswarper]

I like it. I have heard some banjo jokes, but I forgot them. C me later? (Sorry, it has been a zillion years and I'm learning fiddle) Coda give me a break?

[ASBrauer]

What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A-flat miner. Why did Mozart hate chickens? Because they say "Bach Bach Bach"

[hiker1]

Some good replies! Here's some more. Definitions: Bassoon: a bedpost with a bad case of gas. Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. Concert: a place where people go to cough and sneeze. Conductor: Someone who is able to follow many people at once. Counterpoint: a favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. Cut time: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are. Drummer: someone who hangs around with musicians. Fermata: a brand of girdle made especially for opera singers. Half step: two piccolos playing in unison. Male quartet: three men and a tenor. Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good. Octave: an interval having eight diatonic steps or twelve chromatic steps (fifteen when sung by a tenor). Phrase: What teaching music does to your nerves. Pitch: a tossing motion frequently used by band students to hand in music. Trombone: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!

[EJ]

As a former violinist and current violist, this one cracks me up. What's the difference between the violin section and the viola section of an orchestra? About half a measure.

[Washakie]

How does the band know when the stage is level? When the drool drips evenly from both sides of the bass players mouth.

[More Cowbell]

[treeswarper]

[hiker1]

CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED SCHIZOPHRENIA Do you Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER We Three Kings Disoriented Are DEMENTIA I Think I’ll Be Home for Christmas NARCISSISTIC Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me MANIC Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….. PARANOID Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell you Why. DEPRESSION Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …….. ….(better start again) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

[CC]

patron: Do you know, you are probably the worst piano player I ever heard. pianist: No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Q: You are in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Kenny G, and you have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? A: Shoot Kenny G twice. Q: You are in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini, and you have a gun with two bullets. What do you do? A: Hunt down Kenny G and shoot him twice. A musician living in Paris is very depressed because he thinks he's losing it. In particular, he can't remember the bridge of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." He decides he is going to go up on the Eiffel tower, and if he still can't remember he is going to jump and end it all. So he goes up on the tower and still can't remember it so he jumps. A little while later there is the sound of an ambulance: da dah, da dah, da dah.......

[More Cowbell]

Three days into his first solo attempt at scaling Mt. Everest, Joe finally arrives at bass camp.

[More Cowbell]

[wolffie]

What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?