[The Angry Hiker]

Have you heard of me now? I'm The Angry Hiker. I circumnavigated Heybrook Lookout bare-chested, with a rabid wolverine under each arm and socks that don't match, without food, or water, or sunscreen, or deet, or baby powder for my boys.

Here I come, beeeeyatch!!

I traveled a thousand miles along the Highway of Death, on the wrong side of the road, with three flat tires and Bjork playing on the radio full blast, and arrived at the trailhead 3 hours late, in a pair of button-fly jeans four sizes too small, a sheet of high-grade sandpaper smothered with Ben-Gay stuffed into my shorts.

Are you kidding me?

Too damn easy!

Maybe next time.

I put the wrong pass on my dashboard, slammed each of my fingers in the car door one-by-one, and hopped up the trail on one foot, backwards, an old refrigerator filled with 1936 Indian Head Nickels strapped to my back, #2 pencils jammed into my ears all the way up to the erasers, and a rusty cheese grater wedged in my plumber's crack.

Warning? Sounds like an invitation!

I laughed at the pathetic warnings - Ha! Ha! - and scaled the sinister tower wearing a sombrero made of copper pennies, while swinging around a pair of 9-irons, taking the Lord's name in vain, cursing the Old Gods, drinking blood out of Oprah's skull, and slipping Mother Nature an improperly labelled tub of margarine.

Oh yeah, BRING IT!

Hit me with your best shot!

You call yourself a storm?

I stood on the roof of the lookout without a safety harness and called down the lightning, but the lightning, like all things, feared me. So I dropped my pants and bared my ass at Baring, and gave Index the finger, and on the climb back down I got a really nasty splinter on my pinky toe, and it could've got infected but I didn't call SAR, and decided instead to call it a day before my whole hiking season spiralled down the toilet like a "Cease and Desist" order from Cormac McCarthy's attorney.

Screw you, Index!

Up Yours Persis!

from Hell's heart I stab at thee, stupid bird!

I drank 4 bottles of Everclear, hammered railroad spikes into my kneecaps, and glissaded back down the mountain over shards of broken glass, with your wife on my lap and your mother on speed dial, wearing a necklace of poodle ears and a tuxedo fashioned from the skin of your precious Barefoot Jake, because I am the Angry Hiker. This is what I do.

[stever]

Well done Angry Hiker, well done!

[williswall]

Your two much! Go have a; Real adventure.

[Ingunn]

[Magellan]

Best. Trip. Report. Ever.

[Bloated Chipmunk]

Wow, this report particularly gave me lots of visuals...

[RichP]

[n16ht5]

Epic.

[nordique]

So now we know who's been posting those crackpot Critter reports! But wait, those are so lame compared to the genius of TAH! Incredibly funny and superbly written!

[Critter]

Not very funny. Most of it's probably made up. I believe you about the cheese grater though.

[SKS]

Awesome! This is your best one yet

[John Morrow]

Sweet!!!! Sorry you had to endure those socks!

[sconey]

The Lord hath no Fury like TAH.

[SweetSassy]

The real question is: where did you get all those 1936 Indian Head nickels?

[joker]

Nice. We need a photo of the sombrero, though!