[kbatku]

OK, here's the deal - I've been in construction for almost 40 years - starting as a carpenter's helper/construction labor, working as an apprentice plumber and after 10 years of that started my career as an electrician in 1987. I know a heck of a lot about construction and houses, am versed in nearly every phase, and am pretty much an expert residential electrician. In other words, I pretty much know my stuff about houses - how they are built, designed, and what works and doesn't work in a final product. That being said... My daughter and her husband are having a new house built. They never asked for my help or suggestions when designing it and I didn't offer. I figure they are grown ups and if they wanted my help they would ask, still it bothered me a bit that they didn't. But I kept my mouth shut and didn't insert myself into the equation. Fast forward to a couple days ago when they showed me the plans for the place, which have been approved and "finalized". I noticed a glaring problem with the design but kept my mouth shut and just smiled and nodded, trying to treat them like the adults they are. They designed the house, it's their decision, I should just keep my nose out of it. Everyone I've run this by says the same thing - stay out of it. But if they go through with the design as it is now, they are going to hate it and eventually have to do an expensive remodel to fix the problem - and they will wonder why I looked at the print and never said anything. So do I go for the dick move and point out the flaw and fix and have them get mad at me and ignore me anyway, or just keep my trap shut and let nature take its course? I'm really, really inclined to butt in, but everybody tells me that's a no win situation, that I should keep my mouth shut, smile and nod and pretend I don't have a problem with their future $400K house. This is really bugging me, and if I keep my mouth shut it will pretty much bug me forever, but they'll be happy (until they move in). So do I go for my sanity over their hurt feelings or keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence?

[moonspots]

[Matt]

I think it's better to say something now than regret being silent later. However, I don't know the relationships involved, so only you can judge whether it's a situation that's open to your input. If you do say something, it's helpful if you can keep the roles clear, so it doesn't come across as interfering. For example, phrase it something like "Here's something I noticed in the plans" (which is about you) rather than "Your plan is flawed" (which is about them). Tell them you saw something that looked like a problem, and then let them decide if they want to ask for further advice.

[Ski]

I'm not a carpenter or electrician, but I'll toss in my two cents: If the current plan results in a situation that causes problems (like my Grandfather inadvertently reading the blueprint upside-down when they put in the stairway from the basement to the main floor), I would suggest bringing it to their attention. As moonspots says, it's their decision as to what course to take.

[Seventy2002]

You can call it to their attention without calling it a problem. Say something like "Hmmm, I never seen it done like that before." If they want you to go beyond that, they can ask.

[olderthanIusedtobe]

Well they did show you the plans and know how much experience you have in the realm of home building. How much expense would they potentially have to incur to fix the problem after the fact? Without knowing all the dynamics involved, I would lean towards mentioning the issue to them and risk upsetting them rather than letting them make a significant mistake that you've already foreseen.

[olderthanIusedtobe]

Here's another way to look at it. If you say nothing and they figure out the problem after it's too late, and at some point your daughter asks you if you noticed it when you looked at the plans, what do you do? Lie and say you didn't notice, or say "oh yeah I noticed it but chose not to say anything." Not so good either way.

[Malachai Constant]

My advice is to tell them but be diplomatic. Whit may see bad could be intentional. I had a case where the homeowner drew up their own plans which included a 10" step on the roofline. The builder built it like that and they were pissed because the builder did not alert them to the obvious glitch. They would have been grateful if the builder had told them, "do you really want this?" I always assume that subs are idiots and will follow your orders unless you correct them , an expert opinion is always appreciated.

[bk]

What moonspots said,

[Token Civilian]

[flatsqwerl]

there is nothing like making a painful and expensive mistake to truly learn something.

[Navy salad]

I appreciate your reluctance to offer unsolicited advice. In fact, in my experience, that's one of the biggest complaints children have about their parents. BUT: Given the consequences, if it were me, I'd be as diplomatic as possible and say something like "I usually try to make a point of not offering unasked-for advice, but I did notice a possible issue in the plans that could cause problems down the line. Would you like me to tell you about it?" If they say something like "That's ok pops, we're good.", then you've at least tried to help them and you're off the hook when things turn south. If they say "What did you notice?", then you just saved them a lot of hassle.

[AlpineRose]

If it were me designing my future home, I'd want to know. But naturally, only you know what your family dynamic is that is preventing you from speaking out. They showed you the plans, yes? Perhaps in an oblique way, they were looking for your input, since you have years of street cred. Using the good advice from others on this thread, use your best diplomatic manner to point out the flaw if it really is serious. I like the idea of piquing their curiosity by saying you noticed something they might want to consider, then ask if they'd like to hear it.

[DigitalJanitor]

Well.... you could go the total obvious route and lead in with: "I got to thinking about it and something is bugging me about those plans. Do you want my opinion on the details of this, or do you want me to butt out?" - If they say NO, then fine, your side of the plate is clear. Butt out. - If they say YES, use the diplomacy mentioned above. - If they say YES and then get bent out of shape at your carefully phrased answer anyway... as my dad puts it, "They'll get over it or they won't". My guess is that years from now when their ego is a little further removed from the situation, they'll probably mention that in hindsight they were glad you said something in spite of it. You sound like a great parent BTW. My dad can be a real type A bear to deal with, but I can't even TELL you how much grief and money his carefully sprinkled advice has saved us over the years.

[I'm Pysht]

I sure would want free expert help from someone who loves and cares about me if I were in that same situation. I'm also someone who prefers people to be straightforward, I have little ego, and I don't get my feelings easily hurt, so I don't have much understanding of such situations. I also value learning through other people's mistakes. I like to think it's saved my ass a few times in the mountains.