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Bootpathguy Member
Joined: 18 Jun 2015 Posts: 1787 | TRs | Pics Location: United States |
Thought I'd quite being a loner and hit up a couple of NWHiker original gangsters ( aka OG's ) . Try'na get to know a few of these fine folks. Sent out private messages asking these fellas if they wanted to join me for a hike.
Puzzlr and RichP agreed.
This would be our first introduction
I told them I'd pick them up in front of the REI in Issaquah.
We met in the parking lot at 7:00am. The introduction was weird and awkward. I'll spare you the details.
The 3 of us climbed into my truck.
Well... 2 of us did.
RichP opened the door to the passenger side, assisted Puzzlr and boosted him into the back seat. It was cute to watch.
Small, casual and boring chit-chat between those 2 as we headed east up I90. I just tuned out, and, tuned into some good quality music.
Like I said, RichP was in the passenger seat and Puzzlr sitting behind me.
I really wasn't paying attention to their jibberish until Puzzlr said, "I bet'cha I can!" He sounded annoyed. In a challenging tone, RichP said, "Prove it!". In my review mirror I watched Puzzlr take of his bandana and then blind fold himself. He then placed his right foot on my center console, untied his boot and unlaced it. He then re-laced his boot, perfectly matced the length of both tag ends, and proceeded to tie a beautiful double knot.
Just as he finished the knot, RichP said, "TIME!"
I guess he was silently counting seconds or watching for a freeway mile marker, or a freeway exit, or something like that.
Puzzlr removed the blind fold, and, with a tone of cockiness said, "Told'ya"
RichP reached into his backpack and reluctantly gave Puzzlr his egg salad sandwich
I had to drive the remaining distance to the pass frequently glancing in my review mirror to see a ear to ear grin frozen on Puzzlr's face and watch RichP silently pout in the passenger seat while staring out of the window.
Heading down the east side of the pass I passed a State Patrol. I glanced down at my speedometer. f###! 81 miles per hour. I looked into my rearview mirror. Sure as sh##! The patrol car was pulling away from the shoulder with its lights on.
Officer caught up to me and we pulled over to the left shoulder.
Still feeling cocky, Puzzlr said to me " you should've pulled over to the far right shoulder"
Still butthurt and, still, staring out of the window, RichP said, "Shut Up Puzzlr!"
"You can both shutup!" I said
I glanced in the review mirror and caught Puzzlr just as he was putting his tounge back into his mouth. He glanced away real quick and tried to look innocent. ( Puzzlr, if you're reading this right now, I saw you ) Not sure if that gesture was directed at me or RichP. ( You can comment about that in the comments section )
The officer approached my drivers side window just as I finished rolling it down.
( I'll leave the gender of the officer to your imagination )
"You know why I pulled you over"
"Ummm... my passenger sitting up front gave you the middle finger as we passed by?"
I heard Puzzlr quietly whisper, "he probably did"
"no", said the officer
"Uuuuuh...you noticed the passenger sitting behind me wasn't in his car seat?"
RichP giggled
"NO!" YOU WERE SPEEDING!"
"Okay! Sheesh! Calm down! You made it sound like this was going to be a guessing game"
"Step out of the truck! ALL OF YOU!"
I opened my door and stepped out. RichP was on the dangerous side. He would be stepping out into traffic. Puzzlr ( I assumed ) concerned about his safety said," Hey RichP, get out on this side"
I instantly noticed RichP's attitude brightened because of Puzzlr's concern for his safety, and, as Puzzle suggested, RichP exited our side of the truck. He came out of my drivers side door.
As RichP and I are standing there on the shoulder, and cars whooshing past, Puzzlr is still in the back seat.
"Hey RichP, can you help me get out?"
"f### YOU PUZZLR!!!" GIMME BACK MY SANDWICH AND I WILL! YOU ass####!"
Puzzlr didn't bother to ask me for assistance getting out of the truck. RichP must have "a special boosting in-&-out of a truck technique" that he prefers and wasn't confident that I could properly, and expertly, execute it.
Well, long story short, RichP got his sandwich back
and
wolfed it down fearing he might lose it again in another bet
"Step over here", said the officer.
The officer motioned us into the center of the median between eastbound and westbound lanes
"So, you like games?!",the officer says to me.
"I...I...I..."
Puzzlr interrups my nervous attempt at a response and says,
"I like games!"
"He cheats! He's a cheater!", says RichP as he's intently concentrating on unwrapping his sandwich.
I'm thinking to myself these guys are going to get me into even more trouble. This ticket is probably going to cost me a couple hundred bucks. Probably more if they don't shut the f### up.
As I'm about to say something, the officer pulled out a 12" long wooden ruler.
I'm thinking to myself...
"are we all going to get a spanking?"
"Games Eh! I gotta game for'ya", says the officer while slapping the ruler against the palm of a open hand.
Puzzlr says, "Oh, Goody!" He claps his hands and jumps up and down.
RichP is still wiping his mouth with his forearm and slightly smiling with chubby cheeks full of egg salad sandwich knowing that Puzzlr now had no chance of getting it back.
With a full mouth and muffled voice he asks,"what's the game?"
The officer says, "Its simple. If the 3 of you all measure up to 10 inches total I'll let you go. You are free to go. No ticket"
Still with a partially full mouth, RichP muffles, "you mean our tallywackers?"
Little bits of egg salad sandwich projectiling out of his mouth while he speaks.
"Yep!"
Puzzlr's excitement immediately vanished
I'm thinking, is this officer really going to measure us, or, is the ruler really going to be used as a tallywacker wacker.
I said, "Can the 3 of us talk about this for a moment please?"
"Sure, but make it quick"
The 3 of us pow-wow together in a playground style football huddle
Bent over, arms around each other and our faces to the ground, we have a brief conversation.
It was brief for 2 reasons.
One, because the officer said to make it so
and Two
because the air in the tight enclosed circle is saturated with the stentch of sulpher, onion and liquor store pickle.
I attempt to convince Puzzlr and RichP to help me get out of this ticket. I'm completely comfortable with what I was born with. RichP agrees to go along with it but only because he sees Puzzlr's strong objection. Puzzlr won't do it. RichP says, "I'm going to tell that cop that you..."
Puzzlr doesn't even let RichP finish, and
in a nervous and desperate response to get RichP to shut up, he says, "Okay! Okay!"
Must've been something serious.
( Again, if either of you wants to share, use the comments section )
We break huddle, I quarterback slap those two on their asses, and tell the officer we're in.
Officer says, "Okay then. Line up right here Ladies".
The officer draws a line in the dirt with the toe of their combat boot.
We line up and we're facing the westbound lane.
"Drop your britches Ladies", says the officer
I'm on the far left of the officer who is facing us. Shoulder to shoulder, RichP sandwitched between me Puzzlr. Our trousers down around our ankles.
I glance down at RichP's underwear. He's wearing briefs. They are decorated with very colorful cupcakes. The elastic band has the phrase "Stud Muffin" printed in repetition all around the band.
I slowly lean forward, and look left down our 3 man line. Puzzlr's underwear ( he's also wearing briefs ) whos are just as colorful, have printed images of mermaids riding unicorns that are leaping over rainbows.
Puzzlr could see the disgusted look on my face and just shrugs his shoulders and says, "These were part of a 5 pack that RichP & I went halfzies on together. He didn't like these ones"
I looked at RichP. He just gave me a dumb stare and also shrugged his shoulders.
I thought to myself, I wonder how that private conversation sounded. How did they divvy up the underwear? Rock, paper, scissors? Was there a argument? 5 doesn't divide equally between 2 people. Who got the extra pair? Do they alternate sharing the extra pair?
Me? I wasn't wearing underwear
The officer struggled with, and, snapped on some rubber gloves
The officer held the ruler up to each one of our crotches. We could see our own measurements but not of those of the other 2. Well, I guess I could've watched, but that would've been weird. Kinda like watching the guy at the urinal...at a Mariners game...who is standing next to you...take a piss.
The officer made note on a note pad of each of our measurements. Turned around and did a quick tally of the tallywackers.
The officer turned back around and said, "Good news. 10 inches exactly. You're free to go"
I quickly pulled my pants back up and immediatly embraced RichP and Puzzlr. Their pants were still down. I thanked them profusely for helping me get out of that ticket.
RichP and Puzzlr quickly swapped underwear and then we all jumped back into the the truck
Well... 2 of us did...
Those 2 obviously made up and RichP boosted Puzzlr into the back seat.
Heading back down the road and on our way. There was silence for a very long time. We all know what each of us are thinking.
That's right! Who measured what.
My curiosity got the best of me and I decided I'd try to flush this out. I broke the uncomfortable silence and said...
"Boy, I'm sure glad I measured up to 6 inches"
They both said, "Yea, good thing!"
RichP said...
"I'm sure glad I measured up to 3 inches"
Me a Puzzlr said, "Yea, good thing!"
It got very uncomfortablely silent again.
A few miles later Puzzlr broke the silience and said...
"I'm glad I had an erection"
Sorry, no pictures
I think I'll go back to solo hiking again
Experience is what'cha get, when you get what'cha don't want
Experience is what'cha get, when you get what'cha don't want
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Bootpathguy Member
Joined: 18 Jun 2015 Posts: 1787 | TRs | Pics Location: United States |
Disclaimer
I've never read a report that gives me the impression that Puzzlr and RichP are a couple of stooges. ( I'm the stooge )
On the contrary. These 2 guys, in my opinion, are 2 of the most recognizeable and best contributors to this forum.
Also, I received permission from both
Experience is what'cha get, when you get what'cha don't want
Experience is what'cha get, when you get what'cha don't want
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puzzlr Mid Fork Rocks
Joined: 13 Feb 2007 Posts: 7216 | TRs | Pics Location: Stuck in the middle |
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puzzlr
Mid Fork Rocks
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Mon Feb 05, 2018 2:42 pm
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I have an alibi
A good kind of rain
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RichP Member
Joined: 13 Jul 2006 Posts: 5628 | TRs | Pics Location: here |
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RichP
Member
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Mon Feb 05, 2018 3:02 pm
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I must admit I did get a good chuckle out of that.
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zephyr aka friendly hiker
Joined: 21 Jun 2009 Posts: 3361 | TRs | Pics Location: West Seattle |
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zephyr
aka friendly hiker
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Mon Feb 05, 2018 6:18 pm
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I read this story with wonderment and disbelief through the whole thing. Then I laughed the loudest laugh out loud at the end. Well done! ~z
Edit: You really had me at this part.
Bootpathguy wrote: | RichP opened the door to the passenger side, assisted Puzzlr and boosted him into the back seat. It was cute to watch. |
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GaliWalker Have camera will use
Joined: 10 Dec 2007 Posts: 4916 | TRs | Pics Location: Pittsburgh |
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GaliWalker
Have camera will use
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Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:43 pm
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Nancyann Member
Joined: 28 Jul 2013 Posts: 2314 | TRs | Pics Location: Sultan Basin |
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Nancyann
Member
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Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:21 pm
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Chief Joseph Member
Joined: 10 Nov 2007 Posts: 7676 | TRs | Pics Location: Verlot-Priest Lake |
Bootpathguy wrote: | Still with a partially full mouth, RichP muffles, "you mean our tallywackers?" |
Lmao!
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
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Roly Poly Member
Joined: 02 Jan 2013 Posts: 711 | TRs | Pics
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There really are some talented individuals on this forum. I already knew you were a great photographer, but a phenomenal writer too!
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Chief Joseph Member
Joined: 10 Nov 2007 Posts: 7676 | TRs | Pics Location: Verlot-Priest Lake |
Roly Poly wrote: | There really are some talented individuals on this forum. I already knew you were a great photographer, but a phenomenal writer too! |
Well, he for sure is the king of the paragraph!
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
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awilsondc Member
Joined: 03 Apr 2016 Posts: 1323 | TRs | Pics
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HitTheTrail Member
Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 5452 | TRs | Pics Location: 509 |
Entertaining TR by any measurement!
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Snowdog Member
Joined: 21 Jul 2006 Posts: 1027 | TRs | Pics Location: on (& off) the beaten path |
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Snowdog
Member
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Tue Feb 06, 2018 7:08 pm
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I know & hike with these guys and I was nodding the whole time, thinking "yep, sounds about right".
Only the egg salad would have been peanut butter & banana.
The underwear part has to be true.
'we don't have time for a shortcut'
'we don't have time for a shortcut'
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moonspots Happy Curmudgeon
Joined: 03 Feb 2007 Posts: 2456 | TRs | Pics Location: North Dakota |
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moonspots
Happy Curmudgeon
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Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:59 am
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"Out, OUT you demons of Stupidity"! - St Dogbert, patron Saint of Technology
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Stefan Member
Joined: 17 Dec 2001 Posts: 5085 | TRs | Pics
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Stefan
Member
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Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:13 pm
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Awesome. I am never going to view going over the east side of Snoqualmie Pass as the same anymore. I am going make sure I look hard for the police!
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