[Bootpathguy]

( Yes, this is a trip report ) Our eyes locked from across the room. No, not in a romantic way or sexual way, but in a aggressive & challenging way. Actually, our eyes locked from opposite ends of the aisle, but that doesn't sound as sexy as "from across the room" A 1:00am trip to Walgreens hoping that's when they'd be restocking the shelves again.

I walked through the doors and it was very quiet. A ghost town. The song, "I Can See Clearly Now" by Jimmy Cliff playing through the speakers. I looked for the hanging aisle sign that said... Cleaning Supplies Paper Products Feminine Hygiene Toiletries Jujubes & JujyFruits

( Jimmy Cliff ) "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."

I located that aisle and strolled'on over. When I arrived at the head of the aisle, I noticed a woman had arrived at the opposite end at the same time I did. Halfway down the aisle on the right hand side ( her left ) one 4 pack of toilet paper remained.

I'm thinking, "Hmmm. Is she here for feminine products?" "Is she looking for cleaning supplies?" "Maybe she's got a sweet tooth and just wants some Jujubes" "Why is she just standing there?" "I wonder if she wants that last 4 pack of toilet paper?" I'm also thinking about, what she could possibly be thinking about. "Hmmm. Is he here for feminine products?" "Is he looking for cleaning supplies" "Maybe he's got a sweet tooth and just wants some JujyFruits" "Why is he just standing there?" "I wonder if he wants that last 4 pack of toilet paper?" Our eyes locked from opposite ends of the aisle, she squared up and erects her posture and then she does one of those Clint Eastwood style eye squints like he does in one of those spaghetti westerns.

She interlocks her fingers, turns her palms inside out, and then thrusts them towards the floor. Then a, "sharp crack", of all ten knuckles. The sound made me jump.

She wriggled and stretched her fingers. "Is she gonna draw on me?". I'm thinking, if she's thinking, am I gonna pull these pistols or whistle Dixie.

( Jimmy Cliff ) "I can see all obstacles in my way..." I'm now convinced she's not here for Jujubes. She wants that toilet paper! She looks to be in about her mid twenties. Half my age. She then lifts her foot and bends her leg at the knee, reaches around her hip and grabs her right foot from behind, and begins to stretch her quadricep. She then repeats the same process with her left leg.

All while torching my soal with that Clint Eastwood glare. I'm thinking, "Okay Millennial, let me show you what this GenX'er is made of. Let's get this party started Toots!"

Our eyes still locked, I kneel down, adjust and tighten my shoelaces. Stand up and do a couple sets of deep knee bends. Plant my feet shoulder width apart, put my hands on my hips and do a side-to-side twist of my upper torso a few times. I wrap it up with a run in place and a slow 360 degree head rotation neck stretch. She then suddenly lurches forward and I'm super quick to react to it! It's a false charge. She's testing my reflexes and wants to gauge how quickly I can get off the blocks. I think she's surprised and now a little intimidated. She's not going to back down though. I know she really wants that toilet paper. She then pulls out her cell phone and starts texting. I get paranoid. I'm thinking... "Is she Googling, " how to beat a old guy in a foot race to a 4 pack of toilet paper?" "Calling for reinforcements?" "Downloading a laser app to blind me from the other end of the aisle?"

She's no longer staring at me. Shes occupied with her phone. So, I take out my phone to look for a app that I can defend myself with from a laser beam app. Damn It! It's a trick! As soon as I looked down she takes off for the toilet paper. She's off the blocks like FloJoe in the 1988 summer Olympics.

That's okay though. I've got Usain Bolt speed. I'm quick off the blocks and very quickly we are now equal distances from the toilet paper. Items are falling off the shelves as we scream past them. I decide to finish this race with a Jackie Robinson style baseball slide and take her out.

She anticipates this and jumps over my sliding body.

I slide past the toilet paper and her momentum carries her past it also. In one smooth motion I stand up out of the slide and before I know it she squats down and executes a perfect triple sow cow that sweeps me off my feet.

So perfect, that it would make Dorothy Hamill jump up off the couch, spike whatever she was holding like Gronkowski after a NFL touchdown and yell, "BOOYAH!" Next thing I know, I'm facing the ceiling, 4 feet off the ground and perfectly horizontal & parallel to the floor.

Don't ask me why I remember this ( probably because everything from this point forward felt like slow motion ) but I remember staring at a yellow #2 pencil, sticking lead first, in one of the ceiling tiles. The eraser was in perfect condition. The owner of that pencil had never misspelled a word. Crazy!

I hit the floor with a thud. I lay there gasping for air. Full of confidence, she nonchalantly & casually steps over me. I'm defeated. I just lay there with broken ego and my eyewells starting to fill with liquid. I fight back tears but can't help it. My eyewells overflow and tears stream down my temples.

I roll my head to the left and notice that she's grabbing a box of jujubes off the shelf. Her image is blurry because of the tears. She's so cocky, she opens the box of candy, tilts back her head a pours a mouthful. From the floor, I look up at her and say, "Hey! You need to pay for those before you eat them!". She walks over and stands above me. I can see she has transferred the candy pieces into her left cheek. With her tongue she singles one out and spits it out at me. It's a licorice one. It bounces off my forehead.

She then heads for the last 4 pack of toilet paper. I roll my head the opposite way. I can't watch. I then notice something under the aisle shelves. Looks like it's been there for years. I reach under a pull it out. What!? A cane! I said to myself, "I need to react quick. She's almost at the toilet paper" I wipe away the tears and quicky roll over onto my stomach. I stretch out while holding the shaft of the cane and get her ankle with the hook. Before she knows it, she's face down in the aisle. Jujubes scattered, and regurgitated, across the floor. I push up off the floor, do 5 clap push-ups and then leap to my feet. I step on her back and hear a heavy exhale. I grab the last 4 pack of toilet paper. I yell down at her "GEN X'ERS RULE!"

( Jimmy Cliff ) "Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone, All of the bad feelings have disappeared, Here is that rainbow I've been praying for, It's gonna be a bright (bright), Bright (bright) sunshiny day"... She starts to cry. I start to feel bad I glance at the 4 pack I'm holding and realize its a not just a 4 pack. It's a 4 pack of... 2 ply toilet paper!

I come up with a great idea! I help her up and show her that I'm holding a 4 pack of 2 ply toilet paper. I say, "Hey, you wanna split it?" She smiles and says, "sure" We introduce ourselves to one another and walk to the checkstand. We split the cost, go outside, sit on the curb, proceed to split the 2 ply toilet paper into single ply while having a good conversation. True story

[moonspots]

[Brushwork]

Someone is using there creativity wisely! Well done indeed!!!

[awilsondc]

This is good.

[Backpacker Joe]

Dude, this isnt a trip (unless you take part in Washington State Mary-Jane laws) report!

[Celticclimber]

I needed a good laugh. And you gave it to me. Thanks.

[jstern]

Seriously funny and well needed!

[Bosterson]

[Alpendave]

I just glad no one got hurt and that no one had to use their hands

[Bootpathguy]

Edit

[Riverside Laker]

Reminds me of the mathematician and artist, in opposite corners of a room. In the middle was a package of TP. A man in charge said "Step half way to the TP!". They both did. "Step half the remaining distance!". They did. ||: repeat :|| Finally the mathematician gave up, knowing he'd never get there. The artist said "Close enough", grabbed the TP with a six foot pole, and ran off.

[Bosterson]

[Cyclopath]

This is one of the best trip reports ever posted anywhere.

[Brushbuffalo]

BPG, you have talents that go beyond your ability to capture cool animals on a game camera. And that's sayng something. The addition of the appropriate images makes this even better! Thanks for the timely laughs.

[Dick B]

Google "Gary Larson St Bernard" and see how he handles a guy in distress.