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cdestroyer
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PostWed May 17, 2023 9:01 am 
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles, who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds.

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Cyclopath
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Cyclopath
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PostWed May 17, 2023 11:19 am 

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Ski
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PostWed May 17, 2023 12:50 pm 
copy and paste so you're ready for grandchildren: As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Do you know how to make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming! How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How does a train eat? It goes chew chew. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised' I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back. In a million years, I wouldn't be caught dead using hyperbole. My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home! My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the othe fish, do you know how to drive this thing? What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead. What did the buffalo say to his son leaving to school? Bison. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look! I'm about to change. What do you call someone with no left arm and no left leg? Alright! What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus! What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it's a scream? When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs. Why can't eggs tell each other jokes? They'd crack each other up! Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired! Why did the fish get bad grades? Because it was below sea level. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? He was really good at bacon. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's way too far to walk. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares their dogs. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? They lactose. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder! Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. Why was the cook arrested? He was caught beating an egg. Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish. * What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on the barbershop floor? Harry. What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Kurt and Rod. What do you call a dog with no legs? doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway. Who's the guy at the front door with no arms and no legs? Matt. Who's the guy in the swimming pool with no arms and no legs? Bob. Who's the guy on the side of the house with no arms and no legs? Wally. Who’s the guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? Russel. Who’s the guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall? Art. - What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art. Who’s the guy with no arms and legs being pulled behind a ski boat? Skip. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. I went to that new restaurant on the moon last night, the food was great but the place had no atmosphere My boss asked me to start my presentation with a joke, so I used my paycheck as the first slide.

"I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."

kite
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ale_capone
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PostWed May 17, 2023 1:47 pm 
I ate over 100 people at lunch today..... I was on the roof of an apartment building.

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Cyclopath
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Cyclopath
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PostWed May 17, 2023 2:35 pm 
Did you hear the one about about Oedipus and Midas? It's mother effing gold!

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Jumble Jowls
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PostFri Oct 20, 2023 7:08 pm 

Aussie, Cyclopath, Chief Joseph, RichP
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Bowregard
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PostThu Oct 26, 2023 8:28 pm 
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You neek up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way you neek up on him too. My wife told a story to her Kindergarten class about a pumpkin that was too busy. Then she asked what the pumpkin could to to solve his problem: Kid: "Go West". Teacher "Very good - He could go far away." Kid: "No - He could go West" zzz.gif (West = Rest)

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camut
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PostThu Oct 26, 2023 9:31 pm 
Hell Explained: The following is an actual (so I've been told) question given a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student. Bonus question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however; wrote the following: First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle"s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct. . . . .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God". (The student received an A+)

Jumble Jowls, Carbonj, neek  Kascadia
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jinx'sboy
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PostFri Oct 27, 2023 5:17 am 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. All these personal traits made him…..oh, man, this is so bad, it's good: ‘A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis’.

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