[cdestroyer]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles, who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds.

[Cyclopath]

[Ski]

copy and paste so you're ready for grandchildren: As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Do you know how to make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming! How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How does a train eat? It goes chew chew. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised' I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back. In a million years, I wouldn't be caught dead using hyperbole. My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home! My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the othe fish, do you know how to drive this thing? What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead. What did the buffalo say to his son leaving to school? Bison. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey. What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look! I'm about to change. What do you call someone with no left arm and no left leg? Alright! What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus! What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it's a scream? When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs. Why can't eggs tell each other jokes? They'd crack each other up! Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired! Why did the fish get bad grades? Because it was below sea level. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? He was really good at bacon. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's way too far to walk. Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares their dogs. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? They lactose. Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder! Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. Why was the cook arrested? He was caught beating an egg. Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish. * What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying on the barbershop floor? Harry. What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Kurt and Rod. What do you call a dog with no legs? doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway. Who's the guy at the front door with no arms and no legs? Matt. Who's the guy in the swimming pool with no arms and no legs? Bob. Who's the guy on the side of the house with no arms and no legs? Wally. Who’s the guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? Russel. Who’s the guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall? Art. - What do you call his arms and legs? Pieces of Art. Who’s the guy with no arms and legs being pulled behind a ski boat? Skip. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny. I went to that new restaurant on the moon last night, the food was great but the place had no atmosphere My boss asked me to start my presentation with a joke, so I used my paycheck as the first slide.

[ale_capone]

I ate over 100 people at lunch today..... I was on the roof of an apartment building.

[Cyclopath]

Did you hear the one about about Oedipus and Midas? It's mother effing gold!