[williswall]

I’ve been feeling a little ornery lately, what with all the local talk of Washingtonian’s poor driving, natives and transplants, off leash dogs, trash on the trail and illegal fire pits…and let’s not forget the various gun issues. So as a neighbor and professional horse breeder of my brother’s spouse before they were married always said, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”, so I decided to do a dedication hike to these various issues and cover as many bases as I could. It all started by driving 50 MPH in the left lane to one of those ridiculous off leash dog parks in Seattle, waiting for some mutt to come sniff my crotch, pee on my foot, bite me or try to steal my food. I got lucky when a really ugly one came up all a twitter, guess it wanted some attention, so I snatched it and made off. I figured the owner wouldn’t miss it as it was not pleasant to look at, I probably did them a favor. Besides, they let the ugly little creature out of their sight, so what did they expect? Then, with my truck loaded with heat and my bike, I made off to Mt. Rainier and parked at Longmire. With my sidearm at my, well, side, a puppy in my coat (I fed it peanut butter and grapes on the way there), I mounted my trusty steed and biked from Longmire to SR 123 via Morton and Packwood, about 78 miles. I was able to bike about a mile up 123 but it is still closed and snow covered, so from this point on I had to wheel my bike into the park’s Stevens Canyon entrance. So far I hadn’t broken any rules as I was still on the snow covered road, but as soon as I stepped on the trail proper, I was an outlaw even though I was wheeling my bike…..I still had a puppy in my coat. I made sure to let the pooch dismount and poop on the trail….I guess peanut butter and grapes don’t agree with canine constitutions….and I diligently picked up the droppings with my blue bags, but not because I was being mindful, oh no….I saved them all for target practice later on, because open carry in the park is not illegal but discharging it is (who makes up these rules?). As I descended into Stevens Canyon there were actually a few places in the woods at the lowest elevations where I was able to mount my bike and become a true scofflaw, even if it was just for a short while. But at some point I was feeling a little fatigued, what from the bike ride there and toting that 28 pounder with a puppy in my coat….I had no pack, as this was just a day event, and who needs to carry “just in case” crap that is never used, anyway? I found a nice spot with aqua fina, placed the puppy on a snow island surrounded by running water so it wouldn’t run away (I wasn’t concerned about the puppy per se, but found that it kept me toasty warm and figured I could place the puppy on the uphill side of steep snow slopes in my coat, cushioning any falls as I was breaking the rule of hiking on snow without torsionally rigid footwear), and hung the blue bags off some branches like so many dull Xmas decorations. I then hacked some branches off the trees and made a nice cozy campfire in the middle of the trail, and proceeded to aim and turn the blue bags into brown mist, enjoying the sharp echoes in the canyon. Then I enjoyed a few power bars before leaving my still smoldering fire pit, tossing the wrappers in the midst (along with my spent shells), safe in the knowledge that power bar wrappers are totally biodegradable and will be gone before snowmelt….it’s good to have a firm grasp of science. After this entertaining interlude, with bike in one hand and using the other as puppy stabilizer (not because I thought the puppy needed it, but just to warm my hands alternately), I finished off my 20 mile hike at Longmire, stowed my bike, threw the puppy in the back, and drove in the left lane all the way back to Seattle (all the while vocalizing leftist dogma out my open window at stop lights to anyone within earshot), depositing the spent puppy in the same place I absconded with it, and was still back home for dinner. Now that’s a good, ornery, scofflaw workout!

bike Longmire to SR 123

puppy on ice

puppy in coat

puppy in arms

[Nancyann]

My favorite trip report of this year! So, did we see you up at Olney Pass recently, target shooting those blue bags?

[wotan]

Yer giving The Angry Hiker a run for the money. Carry on !

[Bernardo]

Thanks for sharing Williswall! From the map track it looks like you prudently carried an electronic navigation device. Nice work and congrats on not calling SAR when you got cold.

[Brushbuffalo]

Why didn't you do a ride over the summit and down your namesake north face, just to maximize your cardio for the day? Oh wait, that's hard when needing one hand to cradle a puppy in your jacket. When I did it I needed both hands on the brakes.

[williswall]

[AlpineRose]

And the cute puppy would have fallen out of your jacket. Bounced down the wall. Not have been in any shape to return to its owner. Horrible to contemplate.